I Offer You Joe Rogan’s Head on a Pike

Let’s cut a deal

As a conscientious objector to the culture war, and impartial observer to the Great Freakoutery we now call the “21st Century,” I offer my services as arbitrator and mediator for the great Joe Rogan controversy. I offer you his cancellation. But in order to cancel the greatest single influencer in the world today, you’re going to have to offer something in return. That’s how compromise works.

As David Smith points out here, the reason people watch Joe Rogan is not because they trust that he’s always true, but rather that they trust he’s not intentionally and willfully lying to them:

Political Corruption Exposed - Illinois @IllinoisExposed

@joerogan and @ComicDaveSmith Destroy #FakeNewsCNN and @brianstelter 😂😂😂😂😂

February 11th 2022

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I believe the Joe Rogan listeners would be okay with Joe Rogan’s cancellation if they had assurances that the alternatives were going to stop intentionally and willfully lying to them. To that end, I have crafted a set of terms that I think would be acceptable by both sides. Here are the terms.

• Every journalist who said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction is cancelled.

• Every journalist who claims there is a bivariate correlation between gun ownership rate and gun homicide rate is cancelled.

• Every journalist who said the lab leak theory of Covid-19 origin was racist or conspiracy theory is cancelled.

• Every journalist who calls a bi-yearly medical treatment with a 30% or less chance of preventing disease transmission “a vaccine” is cancelled.

• Every journalist who said Russia meaningfully influenced the results of the 2016 US election is cancelled.

• Every journalist who promulgated the “MAGA Hat Kids” story is cancelled.

• Every journalist who refused to even be remotely skeptical about Epstein killing himself is cancelled.

• Every journalist who’s ever published anything about IQ is cancelled.

• Every journalist, corporate entity, or government entity who has ever said the phrase “HORSE DEWORMER” is cancelled.

• Every journalist who has ever said the phrase “healthy at any size” is cancelled.

• Every journalist who misrepresented known facts about Kyle Rittenhouse is cancelled.

• Every journalist who called a year long protest which did approximately as much property damage as a Category 2 hurricane “mostly peaceful” is cancelled.

There are a tremendous number of other potential entries to this list, but this list is comprehensive enough that if we cancel all journalists who said any one of them, it’s very likely they’re also guilty of saying most of the rest, and probably guilty of promulgating any number of additional list entries so this list should suffice.

Take all these journalists and put all their heads on pikes, and I promise to deliver you Joe’s as a willful sacrifice.