I started following your written musings due to OSD. Then I started reading other things you were writing that weren't necessarily related to that particular forum. You, Sir, have a perspective that is rare in a lot of circles.
Less than 2 months ago I had my 1st routine colonoscopy. Advanced colon cancer was discovered, 2 weeks later I said goodbye colon, hello bag, 4 weeks after that aggressive chemo started. Almost done with cycle 1 of 12.
I "retired" a few years ago with 26 years military service. Started with 2/75 Rangers, ended with 19th SFG. So I am not the kind of guy to just roll over when faced with challenge and adversity.
While everyone's days are numbered, mine are numbered rather less than I had previously assumed. With 2 children yet to graduate high school who live with their mom. Seeing my grandkids someday is not a sure thing.
I've already begun plans on how to make the most of my remaining time, which while not imminent, is not long term either.
Pardon the language, but this bubble analogy is fucking perfect.
I am so sorry to hear that sir. Having gone through advanced colon cancer with my wife, it's a fucking ball buster. Not sure if you ran into this one, because it was cross platform, but I talk a lot about our colon cancer experiences there.
You're the kind of guy who will fight on a hill knowing you're going to die on it, so I don't feel out of place telling you that your chances of getting out of this one alive are not great. How bad are your liver lesions?
Fortunately, my liver is clear at the moment. Little victories.
When they took my colon, they took 22 lymph nodes for testing. Two were positive for cancer, hence the aggressive chemo right after surgery. The "official" prognosis is 5 good years before something goes sideways. But since I had them take the entire colon (could've kept some, but you can't have a reoccurrence of colon cancer if there's no colon), and I'm getting as strong of chemo as possible right away, subjectively, I could be looking at 10+ years...but something will go sideways at some point. Unless I'm hit by a bus, this is what takes me out.
But I'm obstinate. Still doing Goruck workouts, albeit somewhat curtailed at the moment. But with their motto of "Embrace The Suck" (founded by an SF guy), their approach to life speaks to me. And that long-desired trip to Point du Hoc at Normandy is now getting planned, along with a few other adventures.
While I don't have as much time left as I thought I did, it ain't over yet. "Surrender is not a Ranger word", and I intend to go out (metaphorically) surrounded by piles of spent brass and pull-pins.
Having a clear liver is such a huge, huge win. Congratulations on that. Buffy had 20 lesions, and several possible in her lungs, at 'go time.' Lasted a year and a half. I put chemo details in the article, and you can compare those with what they've got you on. Our treatment plan was informed by biopsies and genetic testing, which steered us to the particular cocktails they used. Buffy was able to retain about 8 inches of large colon though, which meant she was off the bag and instead just had to hit the bathroom a lot more often.
Just finished. Vision has now been restored, so I can type.
Sincerest condolences, good sir. I've yet to deal with anything like that, your courage and fortitude in the face of such horror are a testament to what us mere mortals are capable of still accomplishing when when the worst happens, and is worse than can be imagined. Not all can. My hat's off to you.
I don't have marker info yet. Will at some point. Genetic testing will be done, because, why not? I'm on oxaliplatin, 5FU & folinic acid (leucovorin). Kinda like going through Ranger School again; not quite as bad, but certainly a lot longer. And I started off at a deficit before the colonoscopy; combo of food poisoning & my unknown mass finally blocking enough space to cause issues dropped me 20lbs in a month due to vomiting & diarrhea. Then my 1st regular colonoscopy - since that day it's been one React To Contact drill after another. Assault the ambush line, push through, do it again.
Oh, yeah, VERY goofy. The cold hypersensitivity hit me by the time I got home from 1st day of chemo. Liner gloves with me everywhere, several days of lukewarm liquids, nothing even "cool". Fortunately, after Day 6, I can eat/drink cold things again. Until the next cycle, then rinse & repeat a few more times.
I like it when you write like this. Does it really matter who is president or what the talking head on TV is saying when we could drop dead of an aneurism at a moment's notice? Most of what we seem to care about, including (especially) career stuff, is just noise.
Going SCUBA diving this week. It's time to live life again, what's left of it. Over the years, the reefs have become degraded. This is the slow type of death that scares me.
Ah man. It's not often the small, cold, stone in the center of my chest reacts to anything. It did just now and for that I'm grateful. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how brief, or difficult, there is beauty in the journey. I too have had to be "The Bearer of Burdens" and was always content in that role, until I wasn't. Fortunately, maybe, I'm still not sure, my breakdowns were brief and endured without witnesses, as far as I know. One such 'twelve year plan' had me counting the $34 I had in my pocket, convincing myself I could hitch hike to the coast and hop a tramp freighter and never be heard from again. In my mind, my duties had been fulfilled and I owed no one anything, least of all, explanations.
Lucky for me, I rarely follow my best intentions anymore. Spent a long time doing just that and made a true mess of things. Strange how the winds of fate can send your bubble careening into others and you suddenly find a purpose you never knew you had. Even though that bond is all too brief, you find yourself better for having experienced it.
Nov 24, 2022·edited Nov 24, 2022Liked by Handwaving Freakoutery
That is really beautiful. Thank you. I’m sorry for your losses. Your piece today is such a fitting reminder for us to appreciate life, now, and the people we love. Happy Thanksgiving…hope today your bubble floats you to over to be near your kids, good food and peace.
Thank you for sharing this.
I started following your written musings due to OSD. Then I started reading other things you were writing that weren't necessarily related to that particular forum. You, Sir, have a perspective that is rare in a lot of circles.
Less than 2 months ago I had my 1st routine colonoscopy. Advanced colon cancer was discovered, 2 weeks later I said goodbye colon, hello bag, 4 weeks after that aggressive chemo started. Almost done with cycle 1 of 12.
I "retired" a few years ago with 26 years military service. Started with 2/75 Rangers, ended with 19th SFG. So I am not the kind of guy to just roll over when faced with challenge and adversity.
While everyone's days are numbered, mine are numbered rather less than I had previously assumed. With 2 children yet to graduate high school who live with their mom. Seeing my grandkids someday is not a sure thing.
I've already begun plans on how to make the most of my remaining time, which while not imminent, is not long term either.
Pardon the language, but this bubble analogy is fucking perfect.
I am so sorry to hear that sir. Having gone through advanced colon cancer with my wife, it's a fucking ball buster. Not sure if you ran into this one, because it was cross platform, but I talk a lot about our colon cancer experiences there.
https://quillette.com/2019/04/27/she-did-not-go-gently/?fbclid=IwAR2ufiw91SjeCb2tpK68oYiJgWcAoGBAgp_4uqd8asUJg33QhBp9JZvH1_I
You're the kind of guy who will fight on a hill knowing you're going to die on it, so I don't feel out of place telling you that your chances of getting out of this one alive are not great. How bad are your liver lesions?
Fortunately, my liver is clear at the moment. Little victories.
When they took my colon, they took 22 lymph nodes for testing. Two were positive for cancer, hence the aggressive chemo right after surgery. The "official" prognosis is 5 good years before something goes sideways. But since I had them take the entire colon (could've kept some, but you can't have a reoccurrence of colon cancer if there's no colon), and I'm getting as strong of chemo as possible right away, subjectively, I could be looking at 10+ years...but something will go sideways at some point. Unless I'm hit by a bus, this is what takes me out.
But I'm obstinate. Still doing Goruck workouts, albeit somewhat curtailed at the moment. But with their motto of "Embrace The Suck" (founded by an SF guy), their approach to life speaks to me. And that long-desired trip to Point du Hoc at Normandy is now getting planned, along with a few other adventures.
While I don't have as much time left as I thought I did, it ain't over yet. "Surrender is not a Ranger word", and I intend to go out (metaphorically) surrounded by piles of spent brass and pull-pins.
Having a clear liver is such a huge, huge win. Congratulations on that. Buffy had 20 lesions, and several possible in her lungs, at 'go time.' Lasted a year and a half. I put chemo details in the article, and you can compare those with what they've got you on. Our treatment plan was informed by biopsies and genetic testing, which steered us to the particular cocktails they used. Buffy was able to retain about 8 inches of large colon though, which meant she was off the bag and instead just had to hit the bathroom a lot more often.
Good luck with it.
Just finished. Vision has now been restored, so I can type.
Sincerest condolences, good sir. I've yet to deal with anything like that, your courage and fortitude in the face of such horror are a testament to what us mere mortals are capable of still accomplishing when when the worst happens, and is worse than can be imagined. Not all can. My hat's off to you.
I don't have marker info yet. Will at some point. Genetic testing will be done, because, why not? I'm on oxaliplatin, 5FU & folinic acid (leucovorin). Kinda like going through Ranger School again; not quite as bad, but certainly a lot longer. And I started off at a deficit before the colonoscopy; combo of food poisoning & my unknown mass finally blocking enough space to cause issues dropped me 20lbs in a month due to vomiting & diarrhea. Then my 1st regular colonoscopy - since that day it's been one React To Contact drill after another. Assault the ambush line, push through, do it again.
Oxaliplatin is some goofy shit. Stay out of the frozen food section at the grocery store. Carry gloves.
Oh, yeah, VERY goofy. The cold hypersensitivity hit me by the time I got home from 1st day of chemo. Liner gloves with me everywhere, several days of lukewarm liquids, nothing even "cool". Fortunately, after Day 6, I can eat/drink cold things again. Until the next cycle, then rinse & repeat a few more times.
FYI: official diagnosis is Colon Cancer Stage IIIB
Yep, sounds like it. Thank all that is holy you caught it before stage 4. What age?
Very glad it was caught before Stage 4 <whew>.
51.
No family history, no risk factors, no signs/symptoms. Other than the vomiting & diarrhea just before the previously scheduled colonoscopy.
I like it when you write like this. Does it really matter who is president or what the talking head on TV is saying when we could drop dead of an aneurism at a moment's notice? Most of what we seem to care about, including (especially) career stuff, is just noise.
Going SCUBA diving this week. It's time to live life again, what's left of it. Over the years, the reefs have become degraded. This is the slow type of death that scares me.
Thank you, and have fun with SCUBA. :)
There is no beauty, no value, in that which cannot be lost. That it exists for only a time is what makes it special.
This is my exact argument against the transhumanist longevity movement.
Ah man. It's not often the small, cold, stone in the center of my chest reacts to anything. It did just now and for that I'm grateful. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how brief, or difficult, there is beauty in the journey. I too have had to be "The Bearer of Burdens" and was always content in that role, until I wasn't. Fortunately, maybe, I'm still not sure, my breakdowns were brief and endured without witnesses, as far as I know. One such 'twelve year plan' had me counting the $34 I had in my pocket, convincing myself I could hitch hike to the coast and hop a tramp freighter and never be heard from again. In my mind, my duties had been fulfilled and I owed no one anything, least of all, explanations.
Lucky for me, I rarely follow my best intentions anymore. Spent a long time doing just that and made a true mess of things. Strange how the winds of fate can send your bubble careening into others and you suddenly find a purpose you never knew you had. Even though that bond is all too brief, you find yourself better for having experienced it.
Thanks for the reminder.
Astounding! I'll write a proper comment later.
That is really beautiful. Thank you. I’m sorry for your losses. Your piece today is such a fitting reminder for us to appreciate life, now, and the people we love. Happy Thanksgiving…hope today your bubble floats you to over to be near your kids, good food and peace.
That was beautiful and I'm in tears. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing BJ